Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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