it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
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Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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