you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
