Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
