just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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