My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
