you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
