I think my fart just growled at me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
