I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
