I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize