The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
