I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
