my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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