I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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