just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
