My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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