i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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