paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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