Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
