you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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