She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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