i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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