when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
