Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
