Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
