So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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