I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
