Where did you get a picture of my penis
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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