we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she told me i tasted like america
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
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Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
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Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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