Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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