maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
