That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
