her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
