And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
