The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
