I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
