Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
