your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
