I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
