All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
