I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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