Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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