please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
