So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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