i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
