I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
