plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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