dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
