why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
