There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
