I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
