I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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