I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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