gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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