Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
