I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
