When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize