false alarm. still invincible.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
