I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
